Complete with volcanic fires, roasting spits, chained slaves turning a wheel, and a madman called the Devil constantly scorching hellmates with his pitchfork.
Hell, Michigan that is. And it wasn’t all that I thought it was cracked up to be. It’s kind of a cheesy little town in fact, and even smaller than Spring Arbor or Parma. I mean, you could literally go through Hell and be out of it in a matter of minutes so Rodney Adkins song wouldn’t make much sense here.
The only memorable thing about going to H, e, double hockey sticks was visiting Scream’s Icecream shop. Eric Reichenbach from Survivor used to work there but apparently moved away and got a degree from Eastern Michigan University. Jack asked the lady who worked there if Eric had been around but she said she didn’t know him, recently being hired most likely. The shop was well on par with the name of the city, complete with Halloween figures (such as a witch and a man that gets mad at you if you steal his candy), purple, red, and orange
colored walls and floors, signs making use of the word “hell”, and posters on the wall depicting things related to hell (Highway to Hell, Hell on Wheels). Framed newspaper articles talking about the city were on the wall, including one talking about the founding of Hell, Michigan. There was also a Guinness World Record certificate stating that the longest hearse parade had been in Hell near Scream’s Icecream. There were some neat products sold in the store, like postcards, keyclips, license plates, and t-shirts that I looked at but didn’t buy. We came across this Hell Sauce in a bottle that was a little expensive and were pretty sure that it was “hotter than hell”.
My family and I walked around the little park there that had a mini-golf course and those cut-out pictures you can stick your head through. There was a pond with a waterfall dam that I snapped a couple photos of, as well as a funny bridge walkway with locks on it.
The city lives up to its name since it is themed after anything scary or hell-like. There’s even a sign outside that says “Welcome to Hell” with a cartoonish picture of a devil. Apparently, the towns folk hate the name because it is humiliating and not an appropriate name for a town, especially one that wants to gain a reputation as a good place to live. But there doesn’t seem to be any name change on the horizon anytime soon, which is fine with me and most people. It makes the city a tourist attraction and a great place for Halloween. Why in the hell would we go there if it wasn’t aptly named or we didn’t know Eric from Survivor? I wonder if there’s a city called Heaven. Then I could say I’ve been to Heaven and Hell! Talk about getting a tour of your future resting place.
Hell has been around since about 1841 and wherever the name comes from I beg to wonder. Maybe the early settlers in that area were looking to set up camp somewhere but discovered a hoard of Indians that had just been killed, scattered all over the place. One settler said, “What the hell?”, another settler replied, “This is hell”. So they all agreed when one settler said, “Well, then this place shall be called Hell”. And the rest is history.
Or maybe someone’s last name was Hell and they named the town after him/her?
Nah, I’m going with my first guess.
There isn’t really a whole lot to do in this small town. It’s mostly a place to visit because of it’s name and other than that there’s nothing too special about it.
It’s quite funny when you walk into a shop here, like we did, and the person behind the counter says “Welcome to Hell”. If you didn’t know what city you were in you would probably think “Is it really that bad here?”, as if she is saying she hates working in this place everyday or hates the town. You ask the person “Um, what city are we in? We seem to be lost”. She responds with, in a creepy voice, “You’re in Hell” (dramatic, spooky music plays).
Some things I was thinking about while in this city:
Sex in Hell, a great name for a porn video.
Getting married in Hell? Doesn’t that go against everything religious about marriage? And having a priest pronounce you husband and wife? There is even a small chapel here to add to the weirdness.
If the Los Angeles Angels visited this place, they would be Hell’s Angels. I believe there’s a Hell in California though.
All of the sayings I can think of that make use of this city:
Go to Hell!
I’ve been thru Hell
Yeah, when Hell freezes over (it actually does here)
It feels like Hell today
Let’s get out of this Hellhole!
This place is Hell
You look like you’ve been to Hell and back
You’ll have to drag me to Hell to do that
There’s nothing really hellish about this place, only that it is secluded, has one focal point that people hang out at, and could count as a ghost town. It reminds me of one of those towns in horror movies that teenagers stop at, just before they head out to meet their killer. There’s always a creepy, loner guy waiting there, saying things like “Are you kids from around these parts?”, “You shouldn’t be hanging around here”, and “I’d turn back if I were you”. And of course the kids don’t listen and laugh at him, calling him a stupid old man with no life, right up until they get killed in the woods, with the cops arriving way too late.
This place would be great for a horror moving setting because of its obscurity and low development. In fact, this city isn’t even recognized by the U.S Postal Service or even on the map, going by the bigger city of Pinckney instead. That park that we were at would be the perfect place for a murderer to hide out and also chase its future victims around. If there is ever a remake of Jason Goes to Hell it should be set in or around Hell, Michigan. First, Jason would rise from the bottom of Silver Lake, near Hell, with people thinking he was truly dead. He would go into Hell and stalk and kill the people at the icecream shop. The people that escaped into the park and elsewhere he would find and kill also. Until there is the symbolic one girl left. Pretty much going along the lines of cheap, slasher horror flicks. Plus, panning to the “Welcome to Hell” sign would be a great way to start or end the movie, with blood running down the sign and a dead body underneath.