The Changing

My whole world is changing

Things aren’t the way they used to be

I feel the past slipping away

And the future calling for me

My dreams must not stay dreams

They must come true some day

For I am more than just a number

Uniquely I am

Ready to launch

Away from that vanilla sea

Of monotony and boredom

But the gravity will always

Bring me back down

In the very end

 

 

An Overcoming Aspie

Image result for autism ribbon

I’ve been overcoming something that had plagued me for most of my life. Being locked away in fear and anxiety, afraid of the outside world, afraid of interacting with others.  I don’t think I’ll ever quite be “cured” but I sure feel a lot different now. I feel like I am able to function in the real world and do the same things that others do. Having a repetitive activity everyday helps keep me on track and develop goals for the day.

Now meeting others who are on the same spectrum as me interests me a lot. So far, I’ve met four others who have Asperger’s: a student from high school, one from a college class, one on the WordPress platform, and a girl who I want to call my girlfriend but still am figuring out if it will work or not, being miles apart with no certain date of seeing each other again, other than on Skype. Learning from what they are going through and how they are dealing with it has opened my eyes up to another world, one that I previously thought was shunned and misunderstood.

The truth is that we are an incredibly special group of people, with special abilities and talents. It’s these special skills that pave way for some truly great discoveries.

I don’t believe anyone can fully outgrow autism, and if they do then there is definitely was a misdiagnosis. They can learn to cope with it and blend in with the crowd, but it will always be there, always coming out in a situation that isn’t so comfortable for the person.

I don’t have much trouble with large crowds, but too much noise definitely will make me nervous, such as loud car stereos and loud speakers in a theater. I have certain habits I can’t help and they act as stress relievers, such as right now where I am waiting for a response from my girlfriend. God, it drives me crazy.

I still need my alone time, in order to recharge my batteries, to think and reflect. The bonuses of being alone mean being able to read and write more. I used to always want to be alone, used to avoid any social gatherings, but as time went on I realized how hard it was to live and experience the world. Having more friends means more opportunities and fun.

The last ten years, from when I finally decided that I was going to start on the path to beating this, have been quite amazing. I have transformed and evolved into an entirely different person, one who is now not afraid to try new things and step outside my comfort zone. I’ve probably had more effective conversations with people, including my relatives, than I had in the 17 years before the new beginning. A New Hope.

Getting out and meeting people will always be a challenge for me. Even getting away from home is hard. It takes a lot of effort and courage and some workarounds in my routine in order to fit a new relationship component in there. The great thing about Facebook and the Internet is that it is easy to develop and maintain relationships online now. It’s always easy to get to know a person’s personality, for better or worse.

The Eyes Have Seen

My veteran eyes
I have seen the pain
The death and destruction
Everything that is wrong
with humanity and beyond
The selfishness and greed
And now I see you
And my heart breaks
Because I want you so much
But your eyes return a cold stare

Eyes

 

Get Out of Dodge

Virginia Coney Island

I’m packing for that trip o’er the hill
The winding road behind me all the thrill

I’ve got my suitcases ready, my car in drive
It’s time to get out of Dodge, before the doubting police arrive

The memories I have of this place
The splashes and the screams, my trouble with the lace

And now my fears have subsided
Take me to the next destination, don’t look back

Just keep on driving

Home

Suitcase

Stop Procrastinating Today

My mind says: Why do you have to be so lazy? Why do you procrastinate so much? Stop wasting time and get going on whatever it is that needs to be done.

I say: I’ll do it eventually but right now I need to do this lesser important thing.

It’s a natural thing that we’ve all fallen victim to and learning to fight it is essential to a fulfilling life. I procrastinate all the time because when the going gets tough, I feel it best to lay off the activity until I can best handle it.

Five reasons why we procrastinate:

  1. Preference for more fun activities
  2. Not committed to the task
  3. Afraid of failure (or succeeding and being expected to produce similar results consistently).
  4. Not enough knowledge of the task
  5. The project seems just too big to complete

I feel the best way to tackle these five pitfalls (and many more) is to take it one step at a time and organize yourself. Learning to accept failure, for instance, will make you a stronger person and able to learn from your mistakes.

Procrastinate, abstinate

Time slips away

Take your time, nickel and dime

Waste another day

Shape Up or Ship Out

Let It Go?

Tell us about a habit you’d like to break. Is there any way it can play a positive role in your life?

Does anyone remember reading the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Sean Covey in high school? This was a great book that taught me much to know about beginning my life as an adult and learning to be self-sufficient and think for myself. The habits described in that book are what you want to have, the habits we are discussing today are little leaches that cling on to you and won’t let go without a little pain involved.

Will I ever stop using the Daily Prompt to fulfill my daily writing duties when nothing else is there to write? No, because it is my essential lifeline in this high pressured environment (well, that might be a little too much) where your voice must be heard out of the millions out there. Without it, I am very vulnerable. It is like my training wheels I can not let go of. Publishing posts off the “grid” is like venturing out into the wild and hoping someone can find you by the smoke from your fire. If you build a good enough one, someone is bound to reach you, but a smoldering, tiny flame – not really. The only positive I can come up with of not hanging on to this device that should be renamed “Blogging Made Simple” is I would be more able to write about things I care about that are more original and creative. Instead of following the sheep all the time, what if I started to be the wolf that went off and did my own thing? That’s how I started my blog, in fact, but I soon found it difficult to keep coming up with good posts and they weren’t doing zilch for me stat wise. That’s why I’m hanging out with you folks. All my buddies are here.

The habit of using the Daily Prompt as leverage aside, there are a number of habits I would like to break. I’m not just going to name one like the WordPress monkeys instruct me to (I really think the whole panel is just chimps who press a button and a random topic comes up, sometimes repeats).

Watching porn, now that is one of the biggest habits that has consumed almost my entire life in the double digits (I started at 11). It’s not exactly a bad thing but takes away from accomplishing more important matters like finding a job, making friends, or actually meeting someone and getting into a relationship. Some say it’s a healthy way of releasing my urges and refraining from unsafe practices, but the guilt I feel afterward makes it seem dirty and vile though I always go back to it. I’ve always wanted to give this up, to stop it completely, go cold turkey, but it’s like a drug I need to take when I’m feeling lonely and depressed and desperate for some companionship. The few times my mom and other relatives in my house found out about it nearly made me stop completely, the embarrassment so bad, but the addiction and cravings still resided anyway, coming back after all the fuss died down. Letting go of this would make me feel less compartmentalized and willing to be more effective in my life.

I’m not a smoker or a drinker so I don’t have to worry about breaking those common habits. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life but have been the victim of secondhand smoke many times though I haven’t noticed any ill side effects yet. My drinking habits are very mild, I mean I can drink just one beer or other alcoholic drink and I’m beat.

Twisting my hair – this was a habit I had during the summer of 2003. Really made my hair a knotty mess. It wasn’t until I got a haircut that I stopped because there wasn’t anything left to twist. I still do it sometimes when I’m feeling stressed and anxiety but it’s a bad habit because my head then looks like a tangle of weeds.

Picking at my face/facial hair – it’s just something I can’t help but do. It’s a comfort thing. When I had lots of acne at around 12 years old, my number one habit would be picking at bulbous zits, which was gross. I don’t have acne anymore but the habit of picking at little annoying bumps that pop up every once in a while still resides. I also love to play with my chin and moustache hair, even plucking out individual strands. A disgusting and bad habit because it leaves an uneven mess.

Humming to myself – I believe this is more of a physiological thing than a habit but nevertheless, it bothers me and others. When I am by myself or just feeling under stress, I have a habit of humming weird noises on and off. I started doing this during the first few months of fourth grade and students and teachers were annoyed by it. I finally stopped it for a while but it occurred again during sixth grade and I now have been doing it the last few days of sitting in the library working on my blog. And maybe that’s it. The reason I’m doing it again is because I’m stressed out over not being able to work in the comfort of my home. There isn’t anything really bad about this that would ruin my life, but when people notice me doing it and look at me strangely, I suddenly feel beside myself.

I would also like to say credit/debit card spending is a big habit in my life, because I must have spent 1000s of dollars in the last four years on fast food, groceries, games, computer software, video equipment, website funds, and iTunes music (getting songs the legal way is better). It isn’t my worst habit, always having to buy something when I have money on my CSL Plasma prepaid debit card, but if I could start saving up some cash for the future, for that time when everything really gets tight financially, I would be all set.

Photo credit: chrisc.com


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Breakdown.”